


3D

by tysunkete (aozu)



Series: log(minus 1) anthology [13]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: M/M, Online Dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 05:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12905514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aozu/pseuds/tysunkete
Summary: Original request:they meet through a dating website???Or, one in which Alma just wants to get Kanda laid.





	3D

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written: 07/08/2014.

 

Alma Karma is _the_ best friend in fucking history. Because Alma actually cares—a hell lot—for an anti-social prick who, at the age of 24, has only known his right hand. Yeah, Kanda might be demisexual or whatever, but, as long as Alma is basically his _only_ friend (Lenalee doesn’t count, because: Komui) the circle to choose from is pathetically small. Alma would offer himself, except he’s kind of heterosexual and Kanda has stated he would rather fuck a dog than him, so, there’s that. As if Kanda would know anything about fucking, the cute loser.

Purely in his best friend’s interest, Alma decides that it’s about time that Kanda widens his social circle to at least have _one_ more person to form a connection with. He’s being optimistic here. And then maybe perhaps Alma could work him to a dating-ish thing. And then maybe perhaps sex. Who knows, the future is bright.

Hopefully brighter than his laptop screen, because he really needs to get one with better back lighting. Alma randomly clicks on the first option he gets when he googles ‘dating website’, and is pleased to find that it looks decent. Fuck, Alma has never _signed on_ to one of these, but now’s a good as any reason to. He’s cracked his head thinking of ways to introduce people to Kanda—except, since Kanda and him are tight, they practically have the same acquaintances. It’s better to throw the net out to the sea, Alma thinks. Yeah, he knows that dating websites are kind of sketchy, but they do have a certain success rate. Moreover in this way, Alma can vet the potential creeps that have an interest in doing his best friend. He’s protective like that.

The first step is to create a profile. The questions are relatively simple—Alma has known Kanda since forever, it’s inevitable that he probably knows better about the idiot than the idiot does of himself—name, age, body type, hair/eye colour, ethnicity, education, occupation, religion, smoking/drinking habits—the works. And then it comes to the real deal where a bit of thinking is required: interests.

Kanda Yuu doesn’t have interests—he has hates. But that wouldn’t work.

Ah, Kendo. Kanda is generally pretty good at most sports, if the man would just let go of Mugen for a change. Alma shrugs, and types that down. What else? Gardening? Kanda has quite a couple of too-well cared for bonsais in his apartment, a testament to his soft and sensitive side; ha, fuck, he’s going to write that down too. Kanda reads a fair amount of crime novels, and Alma has gleaned off ‘likes excitement and suspense’ from that. Kanda listens to movie soundtracks but only those that Alma unloads to him because the other never remembers names of the movies that they watch—who cares though, it still adds up to ‘music appreciation’. Kanda has classical music training from his foster dad anyway, so Alma isn’t lying per se.

Now for the important bit. What would Kanda seek for…hmm…emotional connection? Someone who is more interested in the ins of a person than the outs—Kanda has attracted a lot of clingy and unpleasant company for his face, Alma knows this first hand; like literal first hand, because he gets in a good punch every now and then to the asshole who thinks it’s funny to grope that hot piece of ass. But of course he only gets to punch _after_ Kanda causes multiple fractures and bruising in other places. And maybe a good conversationalist too, one that can buffer the ever curt and rude typical Kanda answers. Someone determined and persistent to break through that frozen wall around Kanda’s black heart. Someone relatively smart but not too academic otherwise Kanda would tune off (the man listens even if he pretends not too most of time). Someone who, preferably, is a lot less depressing than his lame best friend.

Finally, all that’s needed is a picture, and luckily Alma has some on hand on his phone, all taken without Kanda’s knowledge of course. He chooses one that shows Kanda leaning on a bench staring blankly into the distance at the side which is about the only one without some sort of scowl.

Alma just wants his buddy to find someone and be sappy and happy, okay? It’s not a crime, it’s all for a good cause, he convinces himself as he clicks ‘done’ at the bottom of the page and admires the profile of one _Yuu_ _Kanda._

It takes barely a minute before a message comes into his inbox.

> _Babe, you wanna fuck?_

Huh. Alma squints at the name that he can’t be arsed to actually read, and deletes it without a second thought. Seems like he’s left the gender portion of the list blank. Another message pops up just as he makes to edit the section.

> _Let me take you out for a ride girl ;)_

Alma sighs and deletes it absentmindedly. Yeah, so what if Kanda is stupidly hot and androgynous enough to be female? It doesn’t mean the other should always garner this sort of attention—the man gets enough of it on a daily basis. Sometimes Alma doesn’t fault the irritable temper Kanda has; it’s probably developed from dealing with things like these. Alma is just thankful he’s not pretty (he’s _handsome_ thank you very much), he doesn’t need to suffer this misogynistic bullshit. But as he makes to type in Kanda’s gender, he pauses.

Maybe, maybe it couldn’t be so bad after all if Alma left it blank. I mean, it’d be whoever it was fault to _assume_ that Kanda was female. He’s probably get attention from only dudes if he were to extrapolate from the above sample size, but hey, since Kanda is demisexual—gender wasn’t a big deal. In fact, it’d be easier to sieve out the creeps.

Alma leaves the website in his tabs as he browses the internet for an hour, and comes back to sixteen new messages in the inbox. He scrolls through the page, instantly deleting the texts as long as there is a lame pick up line—and then looks at it again.

Pathetically, there’s only one message left which is almost decent if not for the short forms and acronyms slipping into the text within the third sentence. Kanda hates text speak, but eh, beggers can’t be choosers. Alma reads this one with actual attention this time. The note speaks of mutual interest—sports, thrill seeking, movie soundtracks, philosophy, deep conversations etcera, and would Yuu like to explore dinner at a decent restaurant and see how that goes?

Lavi Bookman, it’s signed off with.

Curious, Alma clicks on the linked profile and is instantly faced with a redhead. A _flaming red_ redhead. Kanda would definitely get annoyed by the colour. Perfect. Alma also notices one eye covered by an eyepatch but he doesn’t think that’s much of a big deal. Overall Alma would judge this ‘Lavi’ to be attractive enough—maybe looks aren’t a big deal anyway? Alma wouldn’t actually know, because Kanda has only shown romantic interest in his kendo bokken. Lavi is of the same age, which is a plus. Got into Harvard but is a dropout, currently does language translations for secret government agency of which if he told you he’d have to kill you, owns a cat that shreds his curtains, likes lazy Thursdays and has a deep profound love for romance fiction, no shame there—Alma grins; he is sold.

He sends a reply saying that yeah, it’d be cool—though no expectations for first date. Seconds later Lavi types his firm and absolute understanding with plenty of smiley faces. That is half cute and half likely to be sign of a serial killer. Ah well. If this Lavi turns out to be a creep, Kanda will just deck him. And maybe Alma will be waiting with his own special brand knuckle sandwich at the side.

Wow, online dating is a lot easier than he thought; Kanda has already (or will soon) expanded his social circle more in one hour than the last two years of the man’s life. Brilliant. Now the big issue to get Kanda to the date.

But then, Alma is also a fucking genius—that won’t be a problem at all.

 


End file.
